Sponge bath it is.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
