The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
