I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
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