wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
