My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
