Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
