Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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