Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
