Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Someone signed my nipple.
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