We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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