The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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