Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
