I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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