An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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