she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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