Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
