We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
