Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
