16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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