she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
