and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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