Your tits are I can't wait for
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
