Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
