Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
