All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
