I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
