I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Success! We fucked roommates!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
