i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
