Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Well I just put wine in my tea
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
