If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
