It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
