You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
