I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
