Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
