maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
