I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
