I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
