Your dad touched me again.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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