Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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