I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
