Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
