I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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