This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
