he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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