i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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