she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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