My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
