Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
