Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
