Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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