I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
